Hanna Montana and My Impending Doom

My daughter left for school this morning at 8:40am sharp.  We were watching The Disney Channel® before she left and I'm sad to say that it is now 3:02pm and The Disney Channel® is still on.  I don't have a good explanation for this.

I just watched an episode of Hanna Montana® (without sound) in which both Vicki Lawrence and Dolly Parton were featured (along with the curiosity Billy Ray Cyrus, of course).  I still haven't picked up on the blonde/brunette thing that Miley/Hannah has got going on - is it a Clark Kent/Superman sorta thing by which "fans" don't recognize that the two are one and the same (I love that gag BTW).  My daughter is going to be asking me these questions soon so I should probably drift on over to Wikipedia and brush up on the who's and what's of the Hanna Montana® program.  The idea of this scares me though because Miley Cyrus was probably born after I graduated from college which would bum me out something serious.

The thought of age has crossed my mind more often than usual recently.  I'm approaching a certain unnamed landmark age at which many men (and women) experience what has come to be known as the mid-life crisis, or the "trade-'er-in-on-a-younger-model" watershed.  I have to come up with a plan for this though because

• I already own a Corvette
• My marriage has been goofed up since the mid '00s so I can't really screw that up much worse
• Although I like looking at younger women, they still don't come equipped with a remote control and a mute-button so that's out
• I don't have significant chest hair and I don't care for gold medallions so moving to a hip look is also out
• I don't have enough savings to support a coke habit

I might get lucky (not like that) though:  My mother had her (significant) mid-life crisis at 30 and my dad didn't really have one at all that I'm aware of.  Maybe I'll just breeze right on through 2011, my landmark year, without incident.

I don't know, though... according to Wikipedia, Miley Cyrus will be 18 by then...

Neva Morris, Oldest Living Person in the U.S., dies at 114

Ames, Iowa - Neva Morris (née Freed) died this morning at a nursing home in Ames.  She was 114.

114.

I'm 38 and I feel like shit most of the time.  How does it work out when you check in every morning at a buck-fourteen?  Everyone you knew throughout your life is dead, including, most likely, your kids, your spouse (unless you were using your head back in your 70s and picked up a newer model, ifyaknowhatimsayin') and all of your friends.  You're most likely blind, deaf, incontinent, and senile.  And those are all just the good things.  Here are some interesting factoids related to the life of Mrs. Morris.

• The automobile wouldn't be patented for another three months after Neva was born.
• The last living man born in 1895 died in September 2009, in Japan, at the age of 113.  I guess you've gotta vie for a newer model at that point.
• The average Civil War veteran was in his mid-fifties in 1895.
• Grover Cleveland (pictured) was serving his second non-consecutive term as President of the United States in 1895.  As you can see, that sweet 'stache wasn't just for NASCAR® fans back then.
• Today, teenagers are legally allowed to drive an automobile in most U.S. States at the age of 16.  When Neva was 16, none of the 46 states required the driver of an automobile to have a license.
• Neva was married for three years before the U.S. entered World War I.
• She had four children - only one, her youngest, outlived her.  He is 82.
• As a woman, Neva would not be given the right to vote in the United States until 1920 when she was 25 years old.  Until that time, only men were explicitly given the right to vote.
• When the U.S. Stock Market crashed, Neva was 34 years old.
• When the U.S. entered WWII, she was 46.
• Televisions weren't common in households until Neva was in her 60s.
• She surpassed the average life-span of an American woman in 1967 during the presidential administration of Lyndon B. Johnson.
• Neva purchased her final car - a Mercury Marquis (surprise) - in 1985 at the age of 90.  She would continue to drive, accident free, for another five years before voluntarily giving it up.
• Neva lived to see the rise and fall of Communism as an adult.
• She was 100 years old when the Internet became commonly available to non-academics.
• Using a base age of 16 years, Neva Morris is old enough to be the great great great great great great great-grandmother (or great⁷-grandmother) of a child born in 2010.

As of this writing, the oldest living human is Kama Chinen, born 10 May 1895 in Japan.  Ms. Chinen, who still resides in Japan, is 114 years, 332 days old.  The oldest living American is now Eunice Sanborn (b. 20 Jul 1896), 113, and the oldest living man is 113 year-old Walter Breuning (b. 21 Sep 1896) of Great Falls, Montana.  Wikipedia keeps a running list of supercentenarians here.