The Arrival of Summer '10

One week down, roughly eleven more to go.

Summer vacay.  A time during which, in my youth, I would swim and play and ride my bike around town and just generally enjoy life.  I have very fond memories of summer vacation from when I was a lad.

Now I'm an adult - a stay-at-home-dad (SAHD) no less, and summer vacay means twelve weeks at home with an autistic 7-year old daughter and a <1-year old son.

Autism.

If the economy were better I would go back to work and put the kids in day-care at least part of the time, but day-care for autistic kids is really hard to find and really expensive.  Tack on the second kid and I need to pull down about $20,000 a year just to break even on full-time child-care.  Here in Michigan there are doctoral grads working as assistant-managers at Best Buy, so with my paltry B.A., chances at employment that doesn't involve manual labor for $7/hr. on 2nd-3rd shift are slim.

So here I am.

The first week was really tough, but next week is a partial (the girl-child's birthday is on Friday and her mother is taking Thursday and Friday off) and there are rumors floating around that the kids are going to their maternal grandparents' for a week after that.

The next full week, then, will be in July.  I can dig that.

*Cartoon ©Jeff Langcaon / Island Insights (Hawaii)

Hanna Montana and My Impending Doom

My daughter left for school this morning at 8:40am sharp.  We were watching The Disney Channel® before she left and I'm sad to say that it is now 3:02pm and The Disney Channel® is still on.  I don't have a good explanation for this.

I just watched an episode of Hanna Montana® (without sound) in which both Vicki Lawrence and Dolly Parton were featured (along with the curiosity Billy Ray Cyrus, of course).  I still haven't picked up on the blonde/brunette thing that Miley/Hannah has got going on - is it a Clark Kent/Superman sorta thing by which "fans" don't recognize that the two are one and the same (I love that gag BTW).  My daughter is going to be asking me these questions soon so I should probably drift on over to Wikipedia and brush up on the who's and what's of the Hanna Montana® program.  The idea of this scares me though because Miley Cyrus was probably born after I graduated from college which would bum me out something serious.

The thought of age has crossed my mind more often than usual recently.  I'm approaching a certain unnamed landmark age at which many men (and women) experience what has come to be known as the mid-life crisis, or the "trade-'er-in-on-a-younger-model" watershed.  I have to come up with a plan for this though because

• I already own a Corvette
• My marriage has been goofed up since the mid '00s so I can't really screw that up much worse
• Although I like looking at younger women, they still don't come equipped with a remote control and a mute-button so that's out
• I don't have significant chest hair and I don't care for gold medallions so moving to a hip look is also out
• I don't have enough savings to support a coke habit

I might get lucky (not like that) though:  My mother had her (significant) mid-life crisis at 30 and my dad didn't really have one at all that I'm aware of.  Maybe I'll just breeze right on through 2011, my landmark year, without incident.

I don't know, though... according to Wikipedia, Miley Cyrus will be 18 by then...

Neva Morris, Oldest Living Person in the U.S., dies at 114

Ames, Iowa - Neva Morris (née Freed) died this morning at a nursing home in Ames.  She was 114.

114.

I'm 38 and I feel like shit most of the time.  How does it work out when you check in every morning at a buck-fourteen?  Everyone you knew throughout your life is dead, including, most likely, your kids, your spouse (unless you were using your head back in your 70s and picked up a newer model, ifyaknowhatimsayin') and all of your friends.  You're most likely blind, deaf, incontinent, and senile.  And those are all just the good things.  Here are some interesting factoids related to the life of Mrs. Morris.

• The automobile wouldn't be patented for another three months after Neva was born.
• The last living man born in 1895 died in September 2009, in Japan, at the age of 113.  I guess you've gotta vie for a newer model at that point.
• The average Civil War veteran was in his mid-fifties in 1895.
• Grover Cleveland (pictured) was serving his second non-consecutive term as President of the United States in 1895.  As you can see, that sweet 'stache wasn't just for NASCAR® fans back then.
• Today, teenagers are legally allowed to drive an automobile in most U.S. States at the age of 16.  When Neva was 16, none of the 46 states required the driver of an automobile to have a license.
• Neva was married for three years before the U.S. entered World War I.
• She had four children - only one, her youngest, outlived her.  He is 82.
• As a woman, Neva would not be given the right to vote in the United States until 1920 when she was 25 years old.  Until that time, only men were explicitly given the right to vote.
• When the U.S. Stock Market crashed, Neva was 34 years old.
• When the U.S. entered WWII, she was 46.
• Televisions weren't common in households until Neva was in her 60s.
• She surpassed the average life-span of an American woman in 1967 during the presidential administration of Lyndon B. Johnson.
• Neva purchased her final car - a Mercury Marquis (surprise) - in 1985 at the age of 90.  She would continue to drive, accident free, for another five years before voluntarily giving it up.
• Neva lived to see the rise and fall of Communism as an adult.
• She was 100 years old when the Internet became commonly available to non-academics.
• Using a base age of 16 years, Neva Morris is old enough to be the great great great great great great great-grandmother (or great⁷-grandmother) of a child born in 2010.

As of this writing, the oldest living human is Kama Chinen, born 10 May 1895 in Japan.  Ms. Chinen, who still resides in Japan, is 114 years, 332 days old.  The oldest living American is now Eunice Sanborn (b. 20 Jul 1896), 113, and the oldest living man is 113 year-old Walter Breuning (b. 21 Sep 1896) of Great Falls, Montana.  Wikipedia keeps a running list of supercentenarians here.

Conan Says "No" to Moving "Tonight" to Tomorrow

Conan O'Brien has announced that he will not take The Tonight Show to the 12:05am time slot as offered him by NBC. It was recently announced that Leno's new prime-time show would be canceled and a new half-hour Leno program would be aired at 11:35pm. Conan made the following statement today:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I've been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I've been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I've been absurdly lucky. That said, I've been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn't the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn't matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it's always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

I applaude Conan for having the stones to stand up for what he believes in. He has a passion for The Tonight Show and for his craft that is laudable and commendable... and I like his hair, too.

Suspicious death at Lazy T Motel | WOOD TV8

Suspicious death at Lazy T Motel | WOOD TV8

Your host is involved in some 'spirited' comment banter at the foot of this story.

What interests me about reading the comments made by others here, and what motivated me to step in, is the blindness that so many people suffer when it pertains to people that they don't understand. It's not kosher to knock minorities anymore, but many, many people still harbor ill-will toward those who don't look like them - bigotry in its many forms rears its ugly head every day. These days racial bigotry has taken something of a back seat to homophobia and the belief that the less fortunate are simply 'lazy' or 'stupid'.

The 'fight' for and against gay marriage is a political hot topic right now, and one motivated - at least on the 'against' side - by a fundamental misunderstanding of the people actually involved: Gay people. The same can be said of the commentary by many on the above article. The truth is, they don't understand the poor, downtrodden and less fortunate. If they did, the hateful banter they've shared with us would never have entered their head in the first place.

Of course all of this is based on the assumption that people are fundamentally good. Some people are just jerks.

Dick Cheney Believes There Are Witches in Gambia

As some who have commented already have alluded to, placing the nearly 1 in 5 Americans who ostensibly still support the neo-cons and their agenda in the same camp as those who would support the search, arrest and subsequent trial of "witches" is not an altogether distant stretch. Although you are most certainly invoking a level of satire into your suggestion, the tragic mistakes of late-fifteenth century Salem, Mass. are not far removed from the mindsets of hundreds of thousands of twenty-first century Americans (many of whom, sadly, are surely wholly unaware of the existence of the Salem Witch Trials). If something akin to a series of "witch trials" happened today in, say, Easley, South Carolina, or Starkville, Mississippi, or anywhere else in America's bible-belt, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see many media outlets giving the event "serious" coverage while right-wing radio sings a chorus of support for the "extermination" of those who would be a threat to all of their fellow "God-fearing" Americans.
About Dick Cheney
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Briefs

GREENFIELD, Calif. – From the Associated Press: Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking.

Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry.

Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community.

As a father, there have admittedly been occasions when I would rather have had 100 cases of beer in my presence than my daughter (and some steaks to go along with the beer, are you kidding me?), but when I ponder selling her off, it usually involves convents or the like. Selling her off to someone who's primary goal is to plow her seems like kind of a dick thing to do...even with the steaks in the deal. -ed.

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MUNCIE, Ind. – Also from the AP: A 26-year-old man and his father were arrested by an off-duty Muncie police officer after the man cut in line at a Wal-Mart store. A police report said Edward R. Pluhar Jr., of Frankfort, cut to the front of the line at the Wal-Mart service desk Sunday. What he didn't know was that Officer Chris Kirby was waiting in the line.

Kirby said Pluhar refused when asked to wait his turn. Pluhar's father, 61-year-old Edward R. Pluhar Sr., then asked Kirby if he wanted to step outside. That's when Kirby told the men he was a police officer.

Kirby followed the men into the parking lot where they scuffled. Other officers arrived and arrested both Kirbys.

They were released after posting bond. The Associated Press left a message at a listing for Pluhar in Frankfort seeking comment.

I lived in Muncie for 3 years. This story describes the ambiance of the city quite well. -ed.

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ABOMEY, Benin - From Reuters: Voodoo priests in Benin offered sacrifices and prayers to gods and ancestors on Saturday to seek an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and to other wars in Africa and elsewhere in the world.

The small West African state sandwiched between Togo and Nigeria is the home of the ancient Voodoo religion, which was later carried by slaves to the Americas where it survives in different forms in countries like Brazil, Haiti and Cuba.

Addressing devotees at Abomey, 145 km (90 miles) north of Cotonou, voodoo high priest Dah Aligbonon referred to the conflict in Gaza during ceremonies to celebrate Benin's national voodoo day, a festival which draws hundreds of foreign visitors.

After sacrificing a cock, spilling its blood on the ground in honour of deities and ancestors, the high priest invoked their aid to end conflict in Gaza, in Somalia, in Democratic Republic of Congo and "everywhere where peace is under threat."

Well, what the heck. When decades of international diplomacy and negotiations don't work, why not try sacrificing a cock? What have you got to lose, right? Plus you get to fry ol' Foghorn up and put him away with a few cold brews after the sacrifice. It's really a win-win. -ed.

Teaching "Physical Education"

For decades, male teachers have had to take great cautions to protect themselves against false claims of inappropriate behavior toward the female students lest their names become plastered all over the local (and depending on the circumstances, state or national) media. Those teachers who actually did involve themselves in inappropriate activity were faced with public humiliation, loss of their careers, and even jail time. Most were sentenced to time in state prison.

Prior to "the age of the scandal" which began around the time of Watergate in 1974, an offending teacher was more likely quietly let go and perhaps moved to another town to live his life, perhaps legitimately, perhaps not. The school wasn't interested in the negative publicity, the offending teacher wasn't interested in becoming the subject of a lot of "talk" or a stain on his career, so everyone involved (excepting the victim) would oftentimes just sort of make it all "go away".

But these were the male teachers. What of the female teachers?

In 1986, when I was a sophomore in high-school, a fellow male student began having a sexual affair with a young female teacher. In fact, we were both in her class together during the time of the transgressions. Rumors started to circulate, starting in the football locker room as I recall, that the aforementioned student and teacher were "involved". The rumors then started to become whispers around the entire school - that So-and-so was sleeping with Miss So-and-so.

Then, finally, the day came when Miss So-and-so wasn't in class and was substituted with an older male teacher who introduced himself as our "substitute for the remainder of the semester". When asked what happened to Miss So-and-so, the substitute claimed not to know why she was no longer teaching at the school, only that he was asked to take over her classes immediately.

The offending student was conspicuously absent as well...for a few days anyway...until he returned looking slightly less animated than before and unwilling to talk about any of the events that had transpired. An energetic and animated kid, he returned after all that quiet and to himself.

And that was it. Teacher: gone. Student: tight-lipped.

That was then.

Today the stories of female teachers sleeping with male, and sometimes female, students hit the news cycle hard and fast. People eat up the stories about pretty young English or science or math teachers seducing 13, 14, 15 year old boys and all the crazy things that they "allegedly" do with them.

This week's story involves one Christine A. McCallum, an English teacher, of Rockland, Mass., who seduced a 13-year old boy and, according to the boy, had sex with him at least 300 times over the course of 18 months. Police have found evidence to prosecute McCallum, 29, for at least seven of these acts of congress of which they can produce proof of their having sex together. In Massachusetts, the charge against her is statutory rape, which under Massachusetts state law (M.G.L. c.265, sec. 13B - Indecent assault and battery on child under fourteen) states that:

Whoever commits an indecent assault and battery on a child under the age of fourteen shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than ten years, or by imprisonment in a jail or house of correction for not more than two and one-half years; and whoever commits a second or subsequent such offense shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for life or any term of years; provided, however, that a prosecution commenced under the provisions of this section shall not be placed on file or continued without a finding.

No person serving a sentence for a second or subsequent such offense shall be eligible for furlough, temporary release, or education, training or employment programs established outside a correctional facility until such person shall have served two-thirds of such minimum sentence or if such person has two or more sentences to be served otherwise than concurrently, two-thirds of the aggregate of the minimum terms of such several sentences.

In other words, Mrs. McCallum isn't going to be quietly let go and told to find a job outside of the field of education. Things have changed for teachers, male or female, who have sex with their students.

Regardless, these stories are commonplace in the news today. Although the vast majority of teachers, male and female, are 100% legitimate in their code of ethics, those who aren't are being prosecuted at an alarming rate. The cause of this, I believe, is the internet. Text messages, e-mails, IMs - all are being used to prosecute offending teachers, whereas before these methods of communication were possible, only letters and recorded conversations could be used as evidence against an offender.

Here in Michigan, teacher Kristen Patrick (neé Margrif) was prosecuted for having sex with a 16-year old boy dozens of times. Although the age of consent in Michigan is 16, it becomes 18 if the older party is in a position of authority. Patrick was sentenced to three counts of second-degree criminal sexual conduct which were reduced to three counts of fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct, a misdemeanor, when she remained out of trouble for a year.

Elizabeth Marie Miklosovic, now 40, of South Haven, Mich. is serving 6-25 years in prison for "marrying" a 15-year old female student (who insisted that the relationship was consensual) in a pagan ceremony at a state park in Van Buren County.

A simple Google search will net hundreds of stories like these. There are dozens of web sites dedicated to following the cases of teacher-pedophiles.

Perhaps Miss Miklosovic should have consulted with Kristen Patrick and waited until the girl turned 16. Or the rest of us who suggest 18 to be a better age to start sexing people up. One year in age made the difference between probation and a long stay in prison. Three years difference would have resulted in a legal, although ethically questionable (due to the age difference), relationship between an 18-year old woman and a 40-year old woman.


The Robert Scott Correctional Facility in Plymouth.
Michigan's maximum security women's prison.

After being sentenced in 2005, Elizabeth Miklosovic will be eligible for parole on October 7, 2010. Kristen Patrick is on probation in Tuscola County, Michigan. Christine McCallum faces up to life in prison if convicted. All will remain on their state's sex offender registry for life.

My, how things have changed over the years.

Briefs

Washington, D.C. - Obama transition team officials confirmed Friday that "First Granny" Marian Robinson, the president-elect's mother-in-law, will be moving into the White House along with Mr. Obama, his wife Michelle and their two children, at least temporarily, to help smooth the family's transition from Chicago to Washington. Ms. Robinson was a regular fixture on the campaign trail helping to care for the children while Mr. and Mrs. Obama weathered the rigors of a nearly two-year campaign for president.

In a press conference an hour later, the transition team announced that President-Elect Obama will be moving the Oval Office to Honolulu, at least temporarily, while his mother-in-law helps smooth the family's transition from Chicago to Washington.

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HOUSTON, Tex. – From the Associated Press: A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it.

Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death.


While in the Grayson County Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
A death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary.

"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.

Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler after the Dec. 9 incident. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston.

"He will finally be able to receive the mental health care that we had wanted and begged for from day 1," Bobbie Peterson-Cate, Thomas' trial attorney, told the Sherman Herald Democrat. "He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one."

At his trial, defense lawyers also argued he suffered from alcohol and drug abuse.

Thomas does not have an execution date.

The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13-month-old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4-year-old Andre Lee.

Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.

Thomas told police how he put his victims' hearts in his pocket and left their apartment, took them home, put them in a plastic bag and threw them in the trash.
Court documents described the three victims as having "large, gaping wounds to their chests."

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I got nothing to follow that with. Nothing.

Motherfucker rips out his own kids' hearts and eats his own eyeballs.

Whaddaya follow that with?

The Presidents Meet for Lunch

Presidents George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton
and Jimmy Carter (not pictured) meet with President-Elect
Barack Obama for an historic meeting of all living U.S.
Presidents in the Oval Office on January 7, 2009. (Photo: AP)

Let The Games Begin

You know what I truly love about the left?

We don't agree on much of anything.

Sure, we all pretty much agree that the war in Iraq was a crappy idea and that black, brown, red, yellow, gay, straight, fuzzy, transgender, little, fat, homeless, naked, Canadian, and people wearing turbines in airports should, more or less, have the same rights as every other group you can think of.


We definitely prefer our protesters naked and, under certain
circumstances, in a cage.

We agree that Bush is bad, Clinton was good and Obama is better. Beyond that, however, now that we've got our guy headed for the White House it's hard to get a group of lefties to agree on much of anything.

During the last eight years, we could go to any given right wing blog, newspaper or News Channel and watch the righties agree on just about anything that got thrown at them. Iraq? Kill 'em all! The Patriot Act? Hell, if you ain't doing nothin' wrong then you got nothin' to worry about. Illegal wiretaps? See "The Patriot Act". Harriet Myers? If she's good enough for Dubya, she's good enough for America.

And so on.

All us blue boys and girls got together to boost Barack over the top on November 4th, but after that, and a brief honeymoon period, it was time to get to work microanalyzing the decisions and the press-releases and calling out the O-Man if he's not doing right by us.

Rick Warren? Our people could go through half a dozen appletinis debating whether or not that guy's a racist pig or just some guy that made a mistake. Same goes for the proposed national service program, Israel/Hamas policy, Venezuela, Rahm Emanuel, Hillary (sweet Lord, NO ONE can agree on Hillary), Harry Reid, Tara Reid, and whether or not Michael Moore is a genius or just another crazy left-wing fat man.


Tara Reid has nothing to do with this essay.

Why is this so great?

Because when Blago fucks up, we don't all rally around him just cuz he's blue. Because Sanjay Gupta doesn't get a free pass from the left, he's gonna get debated and discussed and people are gonna learn about him and decide whether or not having him as the next C. Everett Koop is a good thing. Because, in all seriousness, we all know that debate is what this nation was founded on, and that blindly following the leader gets us right here...



...thousands of times over.

And that's a high price to pay for blind faith.

Briefs

"Rod Blagojevich was the first Democrat to be elected governor of Illinois in 30 years, a distinction he proceeded to totally crap all over by continually failing to pass legislation and budgets, making many political enemies (even in his own party), committing federal and state crimes, wearing a ridiculous side-part in some seriously bouffant hair, and, in October 2008, earning the title “America’s Least Popular Governor.” All that before he got arrested."

-Dickipedia

CHICAGO, Ill. - Arguably the biggest blue dick in politics has defied virtually everyone by naming a replacement for Barack Obama in the United States Senate. Illinois governor Rod "Rod" Blagojevich, who was arrested earlier this month for conspiring to sell President-Elect Obama's recently vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder, has named some guy that gave him a lot of money Roland Burris to the job.

After being released on bond, the governor returned to business as usual, refusing to resign his position as governor despite pressure from the entire U.S. Senate, virtually every politician at every level in the state of Illinois, President-Elect Obama himself, and roughly 12,500,000 people who happen to live in Illinois proper, 1.8 million of whom, for some unfathomable reason, voted for this incredible douchebag. Senate majority leader Harry Reid has stated that the Democratic Caucus will not seat anyone who is appointed by Mr. Blagojevich. He reiterated this sentiment in a statement released today shortly after the governor's announcement.

President-Elect Obama who is vacationing in his native Hawaii this week has not commented personally on the appointment as of this writing.

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GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip, Palestinian Territories - Israel and the Hamas led government of the Palestinian National Authority are engaged in a bloody conflict near the border between Israel and the Gaza Strip. In other news, water is wet.

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PALMER, Alaska - MSNBC is reporting that Bristol Palin, daughter of failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and her baby-daddy have been offered $300,000 for first dibs on pictures of their newborn son, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.

That this is possible has led this editorialist to consider travel to the aforementioned Gaza Strip, stepping into the lobby of a Hamas government building and placing a colorful yarmulka on my head. My guess is that I'll last around 14 seconds before being reunited with my dead relatives - a comforting alternative to a world where Mr. & Mrs. Levi Johnston can earn more than 10 times the annual income of the average American family solely for a set of pictures of their erroneous love-spawn, an oven-bun no one gave a shit about until Bristol's fuckwit mother was named "Number Two" on John McCain's presidential ticket.

Who says underage pre-marital intercourse sans wood-hood isn't a rewarding experience?


Flesh Fedora sez:
"For 300G, leave the package-protector at home!"

Briefs

WASHINGTON D.C. - The people of Michigan would like to send a collective thanks (read: go fuck yourself) to Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who effectively killed the automaker bailout bill this week. It looks like Chapter 11 is looming large over eastern Michigan.

G.M. confirmed that it had legal advisors -- including Harvey R. Miller of the firm Weil Gotshal & Manges -- to consider a possible bankruptcy, which the company until now has said would be cataclysmic not just for G.M. but for Chrysler and Ford as well. The rescue plan approved by the House on Wednesday by a vote of 237 to 170 would have extended $14 billion in loans to the troubled automakers and required them to submit to broad government oversight directed by a car czar to be named by [President] Bush.

It's not that I think that these bailouts are a good thing. I really don't. A bailout with oversight, however, is certainly a better thing than watching a major American industry get buried six feet under. One has to consider that the feds were chomping at the bit to pass a $700 Billion bailout for the corrupt financial institutions of Wall Street in New York not two months ago. Now, as Detroit looks forward to cataclysmic failure, there appears to be nothing our friends in Washington can do for us.

So it goes.

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MOSCOW, Russian Federation - A Russian entrepreneur, Oleg Teterin, has trademarked the "wink" emoticon with the federal patent agency in Russia.

"I want to highlight that this is only directed at corporations, companies that are trying to make a profit without the permission of the trademark holder," he said in comments to NTV.

Companies will be sent legal warnings if they use the symbol without his permission, he said.

"Legal use will be possible after buying an annual license from us," he was quoted by Kommersant as saying. "It won't cost that much - tens of thousands of dollars."

He also said since other similar emoticons - :-) or ;) or :) - resemble the one he has trademarked, use of those symbols could also fall under his ownership.

Other Russian Internet entrepreneurs reacted to the effort predictably - >:(

"Imagine the next wise-guy who trademarks the 33 letters of the Russian alphabet and then says anyone who uses the Russian alphabet has to send him money. It's absurd," Alexander Manis, the director of a broadband internet and mobile company, told NTV.

Oleg Teterin, proving to the world that Russian businessmen can be just as nauseatingly prickish as any other businessmen.

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ANDERSON, Calif. - Finger lickin' gross.

Three female KFC employees have been axed by the Colonel for bathing in the sink of the restaurant in Anderson. Predictably, news outlets around the world have had some fun with this. Here are a few of the headlines:

KFC Workers Bathing in Bathtub Get Pink Slip from the Colonel
-The Cleveland Ledger

Finger Lickin' Frolics
-The Daily Telegraph (Sydney, Australia)



Myspace, Panties and Bras = Fired
-The Post Chronicle

Three KFC Employees in Hot Water After Dip in Restaurant's Sink
-Redding Record-Searchlight (Calif.)

Yuk.

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Finally, there has been more "controversy" surrounding Jennifer Aniston's most recent foray into quasi-nakedness on the cover of this month's GQ magazine.



Several years ago, the same Jennifer Aniston appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine sans vêtements.



(That one actually is pretty hot)

The only people who are concerned about this are media outlets trying to stir up controversy, and people who voted for John McCain. Neither group really matters much in the scheme of things.

Be thankful, though. Readers of a certain age group will recall the following and be relieved that the former doesn't, in any way, resemble John Lennon.



Srsly.

Trophy Vice Goes Home

Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has reached out to President-elect Obama's transition team to indicate her interest in being named "ambassador to the nation of Africa," the governor confirmed today.

Gov. Palin said that although she had planned to continue in her position in Anchorage, she was willing to leave the governorship "because Africa is just such a darned important country."

Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report

Nine weeks ago, Caribou Barbie flew down to the lower 48 to effectively destroy any hopes John McCain may have once had of being President of the United States.

Someone in McCain's campaign, perhaps even Johnnie Mac himself, thought it would be an excellent idea, now that Hillary was out of the picture, to produce a woman for the important position of vice-president. This is, of course, an honorable thing to do. Women, after all, make up more than 50% of the nation's population and, to date, haven't been represented by one of their own even once as one of the top two ranking individuals of the executive branch.

0-91 is a pretty crappy record for women in the White House.

Anyhoo, the Johnnie Mac Shack decided that a woman would be a good idea. There are lots and lots of excellent & highly qualified female Republicans who would be a top-notch asset to a McCain candidacy and a McCain administration.

All but five of the nation's vice-presidents have served in congress or as a senator or governor, so going with that, there are dozens of great choices. Snowe (ME), Hutchinson (TX), Musgrave (CO), Moore-Capito (WV), Lingle (HI), Rell (CT). All are smart and experienced women who would, if necessary, be satisfactory presidents.

But then there's the little known governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Elected in November 2006, Palin was, prior to being governor, the mayor of Wasilla, AK (pop. 6600), and served on an energy board. She had been out of the United States (not including the neighboring Yukon Territory of Canada) once. She attended four different colleges as an undergraduate, finally graduating in 1987 with a communications major from the University of Idaho.

So, after spending a dozen or more months slamming Barack Obama, the man who would become the Democratic candidate for president, on his experience in relation to qualifying for the top job, the McCain campaign rolls out Sarah Palin to the collective, slack-jawed American electorate.

They tried to paint her as the everyday "hockey-mom" from a small state who would ostensibly represent the average joe. She was way over on the far right of issues involving religion and women's rights, and gun ownership and all that. The problem, as it turned out, was that she...well...isn't very bright when it comes to complex domestic and international issues regarding the safety and security of this nation.

During the few times she was allowed to talk to the media, she said jaw-droppingly stupid things. She didn't understand civics, she didn't understand geography or international diplomacy, she made startlingly inane statements regarding Russia, the job of the vice-president, and on and on. She was punk'd by a couple of morning radio jocks in Montréal who called her up and convinced her that she was talking to Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France. From a $150,000 wardrobe (more than the average family spends on clothing in 80 years), to revelations that the Alaskan governor was, perhaps, just as ignorant as she led on, the McCain campaign became overwhelmed with damage-control.

In the end, of course, McCain lost, and he lost big. Today, three full days after the election, the campaign is boisterously blaming Palin for killing the campaign.

So who's fault is that? Palin's?

I think not.

Sarah Palin is Sarah Palin, for better or for worse. It was the job of John McCain and his campaign to properly vet and pre-qualify a potential vice-presidential candidate prior to that candidate being rolled out. The campaign should know, inside and out, without any doubt, what that candidate is all about. It should know exactly what the candidate knows, her background, what she's said, whether he or she has been unfaithful to their spouse, whether they've done drugs, if there are any "sex-tapes" floating around. All of these things have to be uncovered BEFORE the candidate is chosen and unveiled to the electorate.

So to all of the McCain/Palin staffers who are out there flinging mud at Sarah Palin: It's not her fault that she is who she is. It's your fault for not knowing it.

Obama.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Election Night Liveblog

11:00pm: Obama. Has. Won.

10:10pm: It's now mathematically impossible for John McCain to win this election. The west coast will push Obama over the top at 11:00pm when their polls close.

9:35pm: CNN has called Ohio for Obama. This thing's over. Barack Obama is going to be the next President of the United States.

9:20pm: Several red states have been called: Georgia (15), Arkansas (6), Kansas, (6), Oklahoma (7) and West Virginia (5).

9:00pm: It's the 9pm blitz! Obama: Rhode Island (4), Michigan (17), Wisconsin (10), Minnesota (10), New York (31). McCain: Wyoming (3), North Dakota (3).

174/49

8:55pm: Alabama (9) goes to McCain.

8:50pm: Kay Hagen has defeated Elizabeth Dole for the U.S. Senate in North Carolina. Another huge pickup for the Dems in the Senate race.

8:40pm: CNN has called Pennsylvania (21) for Obama. This is a huge win for the Blues. This win makes McCains road to 270 considerably more difficult.

8:30pm: New Hampshire (4) for Obama. CNN is navigating the most complicated voter categorization setup I've ever seen.



8:20pm: Several Senate seats have been called, but no pickups beyond Virginia. The Senate numbers are up to 45/29.

8:05pm: MSNBC has called Pennsylvania (21) for Obama. CNN just announced that they don't have enough information to call PA yet.

8:00pm: The big 8pm projection blitz! Obama: Massachusetts (12), Illinois (21), Connecticut (7), New Jersey (15), Maine (4), Delaware (3), Maryland (10), DC (3). McCain: Oklahoma (7), Tennessee (11).

Running tally: Obama: 77 McCain 34

7:55pm: 15 states and the District close in five minutes. Every time Campbell Brown speaks, she warns us not to pay any attention to what she's saying cuz it's too early. 2000 and 2004 scared the &#%$ out of the news networks.

7:50pm: FOX and CBS have called West Virginia (5) for McCain, MSNBC is calling South Carolina (8) for McCain. The national popular vote favors Obama 54% to 46% with just under 4 Million votes reported.

7:45pm: Pictures from Grant Park in Chicago are amazing. Obama is holding a rally there tonight where he will either accept the concession of John McCain, or concede himself in the event of an upset. The numbers are expected to top 1,000,000 people there tonight. There are tens of thousands of there already.

7:30pm: North Carolina, West Virginia and Ohio are now closed. None have been projected. Indiana's numbers are coming in, and the county-by-county map is fascinating. In 2004, John Kerry carried just four counties in the state - Monroe, Marion, Lake and LaPorte. The map tonight has Obama leading in 11 counties already and the numbers are very tight - shifting back and forth between the candidates as the numbers roll in. It should be noted that Lake County, IN, which is suburban Chicago, has not yet reported. Lake County is expected to go strong for Obama.

Governor Mitch Daniels (R) of Indiana has been called as the winner in the governor's race there. Mark Warner (D) has also been called as the winner in the Virginia senate race which marks the first pickup for the Dems in the Senate.

7:15pm: CNN just "beamed" Jessica Yellin in from Chicago and stood her image there in New York like something out of Star Trek. Wolf Blitzer will hereon be referred to as "Captain Wolf".

7:00pm: CNN has called Vermont (3) for Obama and Kentucky (8) for McCain. Polls have also closed in Georgia, South Carolina, Virginia, New Hampshire, the portion of Florida in the eastern time zone, and the rest of Indiana.

6:30pm: Good evening from Times headquarters in Grand Rapids, Michigan! We've been following the developments throughout the day and the big story everywhere is turnout. All across the country the lines have been long, but the voters appear generally good-spirited while they wait upwards of four or five hours in some places to cast their ballots.

The polls have closed in parts of Indiana and Kentucky. The areas of both states that are in the central time zone of those two states close at 7:00pm. Some numbers have rolled in from both Indiana and Kentucky at the time of this writing. With approximately 1% of precincts reporting, Obama holds a tight lead in Indiana and trails McCain in Kentucky. These numbers mean essentially nothing, however, especially in Indiana where suburban Chicago counties fall in the Central Time zone.

We've been watching CNN's high-definition coverage. Thankfully there's no EKG reading on the bottom of the screen telling me what 30 lunkheads in the Midwest think about the election results. They do, however, have about 65 pundits all crammed together with laptops at several different round tables.

James Carville is one of the most comical men I've ever seen.

The night rolls onward.

The final projections from FiveThirtyEight.com are showing Obama with a landslide victory on the electoral college at 348.6 to McCain's 189.4. They are also projecting Obama's likelihood of an overall win at 98.9%. This is all good news for those of us that suffered the results of the last two general elections.

So far it seems as though the major networks are being very cautious in their use of the "exit poll" data. This is good.

Wolf Blitzer is talking to a holographic lady in the "Election Center." Most of the nation can't seem to figure out how to run voting precincts with any efficiency, and Blitzer's talking to a freakin' hologram.

T-Minus...

I...know that from years of Corporatists and fundamentalists turning the word "liberal" into a code word for gays and hippies and commies you think that blue staters all want to corrupt our country and have people marrying dogs and smoking crack and burning Christmas trees. Here's the real truth we're pretty much just like you. We really, truly are.

-Adam McKay

With the exception of Sarah Palin. Oh...and that cat who dressed up like Lincoln at the RNCC. We're nothing like those crackheads. Seriously.

---

It's almost over.

The 2008 presidential election that started in 2006 comes to a conclusion tomorrow when, over the course of 19 hours, Americans from Maine to Hawaii will be casting their votes for United States President as well as scores of other federal, state and local leaders. We'll also be voting on a variety of propositions ranging from gay marriage to stem cell research to the fair treatment of farm animals.

It's a pretty important day.



Brack Obama will be in Chicago, Illinois, John McCain will be in Phoenix, Arizona, Joe Biden will be in Wilmington, Delaware and Sarah Palin will be in Wasilla, Alaska. All will be voting in their home districts. Obama has a rally scheduled at Grant Park in Chicago Tuesday night and John McCain has a scheduled event at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix. McCain has announced, however, that he will not be addressing the crowd in person, but will be making a statement to the press at an undisclosed location outside the Biltmore at some point Tuesday night. Obama has announced that he will speak directly to his supporters in Grant Park.

All national polls show Obama with a sizable lead, all with the exception of one are beyond the margin of error. John McCain will have to turn several states that are leaning hard blue to his side in order to win the general election.

FiveThirtyEight.com has everything you need to know about the national poll numbers.

I'll be liveblogging throughout the night, starting at 7:00pm when the polls close in Virginia, Georgia, parts of New Hampshire and the portion of Florida that is in the eastern time zone. The portions of Indiana and Kentucky that are in the eastern time zone close at 6:00pm, but I don't expect too much information to come out of those states until the polls close statewide at 7:00pm.

Get some sleep tonight, friends. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Mellencamp Calls for Change

"I've seen a lot of small towns, and now I'm seeing small towns across America dying, folks losing their jobs and their homes. Eight years of George Bush has really hurt, and John McCain is just more of the same...I'm proud to support Barack Obama, because whether you live in a small town or a big city, it's time for a change."

-John Mellencamp

I grew up in a house just up the road from John Mellencamp in Bloomington, Indiana, and graduated high-school with his daughter, Michelle. John was probably our most famous local citizen at the time (Bobby Knight notwithstanding). He was (and is) a lot of things, but he cannot be described accurately as stupid under any circumstances. He's always been someone who speaks openly for the average joe in Indiana and across America. I'm pleased to see that he has predictably made the right decision by endorsing Barack Obama for president.

Mr. Mellencamp makes a lot of money - he's a Grammy-winning singer-songwriter who has released 20 albums in 32 years. 10 of those albums have been certified platinum and an additional three have been certified gold. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2008.

John will pay more taxes under Obama than under McCain, but as an ardent populist, he clearly understands that it's not unreasonable to expect those who make more money to pay more in taxes rather than the other way around. He also realizes that even under Obama's tax plan he will pay less tax as a percentage of his income than the average middle-class family.

It's wonderful to see a "heartland" singer-songwriter who understands the plight of his neighbors and many of his fans who have felt the pain of decades of failed trickle-down policy. Mellencamp hasn't let fame and fortune change who he is as his core, and that's an Indiana-born, small-town guy.

John Mellencamp is true American through and through.

Rethinking the American Electorate after an Obama Victory

Columnist Lincoln Mitchell:

The American left...will have to do the most intriguing and challenging rethinking of basic assumptions when Obama wins. For years now a central piece of the progressive worldview is that progressives are enlightened Americans in a sea of their ignorant, bigoted and narrow-minded compatriots. If you don't believe my assertion, see how many times in the comments section of a progressive blog, Americans voters are referred to as ignorant or uninformed, or eavesdrop at any progressive coffee shop or other hangout. Opposition to progressive causes is often explained away by saying that Americans are bigots, or somehow stupid. This demonstrates an ugly contempt for voters, and in fact for democracy, that should have no place in progressive politics.

Nonetheless, this feeling of specialness is a central part of progressive identity for many. For example, the tone often used to express disbelief that Obama could win, particularly early in this campaign, was often a mixture of anger with racism and a sense of self-righteousness from the speaker for being above that racism.

November 4th will almost certainly show these beliefs to be the nonsense that they are. After November 4th, whenever somebody belittles the intelligence or tolerance of the American voter the proper response will be "What about when we elected Barack Obama?" I hope for many this will be understood to be a sign that American voters can be more progressive, enlightened and thoughtful than had previously been believed. Obama will win because willingness to vote for somebody who looks different, and whose name sounds unusual, simply because he is the best candidate, is no longer the province of elites or an educated minority. This may cause progressives to rethink much of what they thought they knew about America, but it seems a small price to pay for an Obama presidency.

I'm not on board with Mitchell's assertion that we, as progressives, blindly view ourselves as better than the conservative right.


I am one of the "coffee shop" progressives that Mr. Mitchell references. I think that the notion that we are all believers in the assumption of right-wing stupidity and/or racism is overly simplistic. I don't think them "stupid" or racist in general terms. Some may be, but that's not the majority by any means. What I see is a Republican party that has proven it is not interested in "Joe the Plumber" or "John the Lutheran" or any other common low or middle-class American for any purpose other than a vote.

With this in mind, I see so-called "right-wingers" voting for candidates belonging to a party that says one thing and does something completely different. A party that promises to promote conservative policy or social agendas, but in actuality does little or nothing in regard to those promises. It has been the policy of today's Republican party to enrich themselves and their corporate "sponsors" at the expense of the very people they lied to in order to gain their vote.

An Obama victory doesn't change any of that. It just means that a small percentage of the electorate in the middle moved to the left for this particular election cycle and voted for Obama.

This coffee-shop progressive doesn't think the right-wing is stupid as a whole. I just think that a great many Americans on the right are generally uninformed as to who and what they're REALLY voting for.
About Barack Obama