Briefs

Washington, D.C. - Obama transition team officials confirmed Friday that "First Granny" Marian Robinson, the president-elect's mother-in-law, will be moving into the White House along with Mr. Obama, his wife Michelle and their two children, at least temporarily, to help smooth the family's transition from Chicago to Washington. Ms. Robinson was a regular fixture on the campaign trail helping to care for the children while Mr. and Mrs. Obama weathered the rigors of a nearly two-year campaign for president.

In a press conference an hour later, the transition team announced that President-Elect Obama will be moving the Oval Office to Honolulu, at least temporarily, while his mother-in-law helps smooth the family's transition from Chicago to Washington.

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HOUSTON, Tex. – From the Associated Press: A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it.

Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death.


While in the Grayson County Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
A death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary.

"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.

Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler after the Dec. 9 incident. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston.

"He will finally be able to receive the mental health care that we had wanted and begged for from day 1," Bobbie Peterson-Cate, Thomas' trial attorney, told the Sherman Herald Democrat. "He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one."

At his trial, defense lawyers also argued he suffered from alcohol and drug abuse.

Thomas does not have an execution date.

The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13-month-old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4-year-old Andre Lee.

Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.

Thomas told police how he put his victims' hearts in his pocket and left their apartment, took them home, put them in a plastic bag and threw them in the trash.
Court documents described the three victims as having "large, gaping wounds to their chests."

---

I got nothing to follow that with. Nothing.

Motherfucker rips out his own kids' hearts and eats his own eyeballs.

Whaddaya follow that with?

The Presidents Meet for Lunch

Presidents George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton
and Jimmy Carter (not pictured) meet with President-Elect
Barack Obama for an historic meeting of all living U.S.
Presidents in the Oval Office on January 7, 2009. (Photo: AP)

Let The Games Begin

You know what I truly love about the left?

We don't agree on much of anything.

Sure, we all pretty much agree that the war in Iraq was a crappy idea and that black, brown, red, yellow, gay, straight, fuzzy, transgender, little, fat, homeless, naked, Canadian, and people wearing turbines in airports should, more or less, have the same rights as every other group you can think of.


We definitely prefer our protesters naked and, under certain
circumstances, in a cage.

We agree that Bush is bad, Clinton was good and Obama is better. Beyond that, however, now that we've got our guy headed for the White House it's hard to get a group of lefties to agree on much of anything.

During the last eight years, we could go to any given right wing blog, newspaper or News Channel and watch the righties agree on just about anything that got thrown at them. Iraq? Kill 'em all! The Patriot Act? Hell, if you ain't doing nothin' wrong then you got nothin' to worry about. Illegal wiretaps? See "The Patriot Act". Harriet Myers? If she's good enough for Dubya, she's good enough for America.

And so on.

All us blue boys and girls got together to boost Barack over the top on November 4th, but after that, and a brief honeymoon period, it was time to get to work microanalyzing the decisions and the press-releases and calling out the O-Man if he's not doing right by us.

Rick Warren? Our people could go through half a dozen appletinis debating whether or not that guy's a racist pig or just some guy that made a mistake. Same goes for the proposed national service program, Israel/Hamas policy, Venezuela, Rahm Emanuel, Hillary (sweet Lord, NO ONE can agree on Hillary), Harry Reid, Tara Reid, and whether or not Michael Moore is a genius or just another crazy left-wing fat man.


Tara Reid has nothing to do with this essay.

Why is this so great?

Because when Blago fucks up, we don't all rally around him just cuz he's blue. Because Sanjay Gupta doesn't get a free pass from the left, he's gonna get debated and discussed and people are gonna learn about him and decide whether or not having him as the next C. Everett Koop is a good thing. Because, in all seriousness, we all know that debate is what this nation was founded on, and that blindly following the leader gets us right here...



...thousands of times over.

And that's a high price to pay for blind faith.

Briefs

"Rod Blagojevich was the first Democrat to be elected governor of Illinois in 30 years, a distinction he proceeded to totally crap all over by continually failing to pass legislation and budgets, making many political enemies (even in his own party), committing federal and state crimes, wearing a ridiculous side-part in some seriously bouffant hair, and, in October 2008, earning the title “America’s Least Popular Governor.” All that before he got arrested."

-Dickipedia

CHICAGO, Ill. - Arguably the biggest blue dick in politics has defied virtually everyone by naming a replacement for Barack Obama in the United States Senate. Illinois governor Rod "Rod" Blagojevich, who was arrested earlier this month for conspiring to sell President-Elect Obama's recently vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder, has named some guy that gave him a lot of money Roland Burris to the job.

After being released on bond, the governor returned to business as usual, refusing to resign his position as governor despite pressure from the entire U.S. Senate, virtually every politician at every level in the state of Illinois, President-Elect Obama himself, and roughly 12,500,000 people who happen to live in Illinois proper, 1.8 million of whom, for some unfathomable reason, voted for this incredible douchebag. Senate majority leader Harry Reid has stated that the Democratic Caucus will not seat anyone who is appointed by Mr. Blagojevich. He reiterated this sentiment in a statement released today shortly after the governor's announcement.

President-Elect Obama who is vacationing in his native Hawaii this week has not commented personally on the appointment as of this writing.

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GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip, Palestinian Territories - Israel and the Hamas led government of the Palestinian National Authority are engaged in a bloody conflict near the border between Israel and the Gaza Strip. In other news, water is wet.

---

PALMER, Alaska - MSNBC is reporting that Bristol Palin, daughter of failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and her baby-daddy have been offered $300,000 for first dibs on pictures of their newborn son, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.

That this is possible has led this editorialist to consider travel to the aforementioned Gaza Strip, stepping into the lobby of a Hamas government building and placing a colorful yarmulka on my head. My guess is that I'll last around 14 seconds before being reunited with my dead relatives - a comforting alternative to a world where Mr. & Mrs. Levi Johnston can earn more than 10 times the annual income of the average American family solely for a set of pictures of their erroneous love-spawn, an oven-bun no one gave a shit about until Bristol's fuckwit mother was named "Number Two" on John McCain's presidential ticket.

Who says underage pre-marital intercourse sans wood-hood isn't a rewarding experience?


Flesh Fedora sez:
"For 300G, leave the package-protector at home!"

Briefs

WASHINGTON D.C. - The people of Michigan would like to send a collective thanks (read: go fuck yourself) to Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who effectively killed the automaker bailout bill this week. It looks like Chapter 11 is looming large over eastern Michigan.

G.M. confirmed that it had legal advisors -- including Harvey R. Miller of the firm Weil Gotshal & Manges -- to consider a possible bankruptcy, which the company until now has said would be cataclysmic not just for G.M. but for Chrysler and Ford as well. The rescue plan approved by the House on Wednesday by a vote of 237 to 170 would have extended $14 billion in loans to the troubled automakers and required them to submit to broad government oversight directed by a car czar to be named by [President] Bush.

It's not that I think that these bailouts are a good thing. I really don't. A bailout with oversight, however, is certainly a better thing than watching a major American industry get buried six feet under. One has to consider that the feds were chomping at the bit to pass a $700 Billion bailout for the corrupt financial institutions of Wall Street in New York not two months ago. Now, as Detroit looks forward to cataclysmic failure, there appears to be nothing our friends in Washington can do for us.

So it goes.

---

MOSCOW, Russian Federation - A Russian entrepreneur, Oleg Teterin, has trademarked the "wink" emoticon with the federal patent agency in Russia.

"I want to highlight that this is only directed at corporations, companies that are trying to make a profit without the permission of the trademark holder," he said in comments to NTV.

Companies will be sent legal warnings if they use the symbol without his permission, he said.

"Legal use will be possible after buying an annual license from us," he was quoted by Kommersant as saying. "It won't cost that much - tens of thousands of dollars."

He also said since other similar emoticons - :-) or ;) or :) - resemble the one he has trademarked, use of those symbols could also fall under his ownership.

Other Russian Internet entrepreneurs reacted to the effort predictably - >:(

"Imagine the next wise-guy who trademarks the 33 letters of the Russian alphabet and then says anyone who uses the Russian alphabet has to send him money. It's absurd," Alexander Manis, the director of a broadband internet and mobile company, told NTV.

Oleg Teterin, proving to the world that Russian businessmen can be just as nauseatingly prickish as any other businessmen.

---

ANDERSON, Calif. - Finger lickin' gross.

Three female KFC employees have been axed by the Colonel for bathing in the sink of the restaurant in Anderson. Predictably, news outlets around the world have had some fun with this. Here are a few of the headlines:

KFC Workers Bathing in Bathtub Get Pink Slip from the Colonel
-The Cleveland Ledger

Finger Lickin' Frolics
-The Daily Telegraph (Sydney, Australia)



Myspace, Panties and Bras = Fired
-The Post Chronicle

Three KFC Employees in Hot Water After Dip in Restaurant's Sink
-Redding Record-Searchlight (Calif.)

Yuk.

---

Finally, there has been more "controversy" surrounding Jennifer Aniston's most recent foray into quasi-nakedness on the cover of this month's GQ magazine.



Several years ago, the same Jennifer Aniston appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine sans vêtements.



(That one actually is pretty hot)

The only people who are concerned about this are media outlets trying to stir up controversy, and people who voted for John McCain. Neither group really matters much in the scheme of things.

Be thankful, though. Readers of a certain age group will recall the following and be relieved that the former doesn't, in any way, resemble John Lennon.



Srsly.

Trophy Vice Goes Home

Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has reached out to President-elect Obama's transition team to indicate her interest in being named "ambassador to the nation of Africa," the governor confirmed today.

Gov. Palin said that although she had planned to continue in her position in Anchorage, she was willing to leave the governorship "because Africa is just such a darned important country."

Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report

Nine weeks ago, Caribou Barbie flew down to the lower 48 to effectively destroy any hopes John McCain may have once had of being President of the United States.

Someone in McCain's campaign, perhaps even Johnnie Mac himself, thought it would be an excellent idea, now that Hillary was out of the picture, to produce a woman for the important position of vice-president. This is, of course, an honorable thing to do. Women, after all, make up more than 50% of the nation's population and, to date, haven't been represented by one of their own even once as one of the top two ranking individuals of the executive branch.

0-91 is a pretty crappy record for women in the White House.

Anyhoo, the Johnnie Mac Shack decided that a woman would be a good idea. There are lots and lots of excellent & highly qualified female Republicans who would be a top-notch asset to a McCain candidacy and a McCain administration.

All but five of the nation's vice-presidents have served in congress or as a senator or governor, so going with that, there are dozens of great choices. Snowe (ME), Hutchinson (TX), Musgrave (CO), Moore-Capito (WV), Lingle (HI), Rell (CT). All are smart and experienced women who would, if necessary, be satisfactory presidents.

But then there's the little known governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Elected in November 2006, Palin was, prior to being governor, the mayor of Wasilla, AK (pop. 6600), and served on an energy board. She had been out of the United States (not including the neighboring Yukon Territory of Canada) once. She attended four different colleges as an undergraduate, finally graduating in 1987 with a communications major from the University of Idaho.

So, after spending a dozen or more months slamming Barack Obama, the man who would become the Democratic candidate for president, on his experience in relation to qualifying for the top job, the McCain campaign rolls out Sarah Palin to the collective, slack-jawed American electorate.

They tried to paint her as the everyday "hockey-mom" from a small state who would ostensibly represent the average joe. She was way over on the far right of issues involving religion and women's rights, and gun ownership and all that. The problem, as it turned out, was that she...well...isn't very bright when it comes to complex domestic and international issues regarding the safety and security of this nation.

During the few times she was allowed to talk to the media, she said jaw-droppingly stupid things. She didn't understand civics, she didn't understand geography or international diplomacy, she made startlingly inane statements regarding Russia, the job of the vice-president, and on and on. She was punk'd by a couple of morning radio jocks in Montréal who called her up and convinced her that she was talking to Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France. From a $150,000 wardrobe (more than the average family spends on clothing in 80 years), to revelations that the Alaskan governor was, perhaps, just as ignorant as she led on, the McCain campaign became overwhelmed with damage-control.

In the end, of course, McCain lost, and he lost big. Today, three full days after the election, the campaign is boisterously blaming Palin for killing the campaign.

So who's fault is that? Palin's?

I think not.

Sarah Palin is Sarah Palin, for better or for worse. It was the job of John McCain and his campaign to properly vet and pre-qualify a potential vice-presidential candidate prior to that candidate being rolled out. The campaign should know, inside and out, without any doubt, what that candidate is all about. It should know exactly what the candidate knows, her background, what she's said, whether he or she has been unfaithful to their spouse, whether they've done drugs, if there are any "sex-tapes" floating around. All of these things have to be uncovered BEFORE the candidate is chosen and unveiled to the electorate.

So to all of the McCain/Palin staffers who are out there flinging mud at Sarah Palin: It's not her fault that she is who she is. It's your fault for not knowing it.

Obama.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Election Night Liveblog

11:00pm: Obama. Has. Won.

10:10pm: It's now mathematically impossible for John McCain to win this election. The west coast will push Obama over the top at 11:00pm when their polls close.

9:35pm: CNN has called Ohio for Obama. This thing's over. Barack Obama is going to be the next President of the United States.

9:20pm: Several red states have been called: Georgia (15), Arkansas (6), Kansas, (6), Oklahoma (7) and West Virginia (5).

9:00pm: It's the 9pm blitz! Obama: Rhode Island (4), Michigan (17), Wisconsin (10), Minnesota (10), New York (31). McCain: Wyoming (3), North Dakota (3).

174/49

8:55pm: Alabama (9) goes to McCain.

8:50pm: Kay Hagen has defeated Elizabeth Dole for the U.S. Senate in North Carolina. Another huge pickup for the Dems in the Senate race.

8:40pm: CNN has called Pennsylvania (21) for Obama. This is a huge win for the Blues. This win makes McCains road to 270 considerably more difficult.

8:30pm: New Hampshire (4) for Obama. CNN is navigating the most complicated voter categorization setup I've ever seen.



8:20pm: Several Senate seats have been called, but no pickups beyond Virginia. The Senate numbers are up to 45/29.

8:05pm: MSNBC has called Pennsylvania (21) for Obama. CNN just announced that they don't have enough information to call PA yet.

8:00pm: The big 8pm projection blitz! Obama: Massachusetts (12), Illinois (21), Connecticut (7), New Jersey (15), Maine (4), Delaware (3), Maryland (10), DC (3). McCain: Oklahoma (7), Tennessee (11).

Running tally: Obama: 77 McCain 34

7:55pm: 15 states and the District close in five minutes. Every time Campbell Brown speaks, she warns us not to pay any attention to what she's saying cuz it's too early. 2000 and 2004 scared the &#%$ out of the news networks.

7:50pm: FOX and CBS have called West Virginia (5) for McCain, MSNBC is calling South Carolina (8) for McCain. The national popular vote favors Obama 54% to 46% with just under 4 Million votes reported.

7:45pm: Pictures from Grant Park in Chicago are amazing. Obama is holding a rally there tonight where he will either accept the concession of John McCain, or concede himself in the event of an upset. The numbers are expected to top 1,000,000 people there tonight. There are tens of thousands of there already.

7:30pm: North Carolina, West Virginia and Ohio are now closed. None have been projected. Indiana's numbers are coming in, and the county-by-county map is fascinating. In 2004, John Kerry carried just four counties in the state - Monroe, Marion, Lake and LaPorte. The map tonight has Obama leading in 11 counties already and the numbers are very tight - shifting back and forth between the candidates as the numbers roll in. It should be noted that Lake County, IN, which is suburban Chicago, has not yet reported. Lake County is expected to go strong for Obama.

Governor Mitch Daniels (R) of Indiana has been called as the winner in the governor's race there. Mark Warner (D) has also been called as the winner in the Virginia senate race which marks the first pickup for the Dems in the Senate.

7:15pm: CNN just "beamed" Jessica Yellin in from Chicago and stood her image there in New York like something out of Star Trek. Wolf Blitzer will hereon be referred to as "Captain Wolf".

7:00pm: CNN has called Vermont (3) for Obama and Kentucky (8) for McCain. Polls have also closed in Georgia, South Carolina, Virginia, New Hampshire, the portion of Florida in the eastern time zone, and the rest of Indiana.

6:30pm: Good evening from Times headquarters in Grand Rapids, Michigan! We've been following the developments throughout the day and the big story everywhere is turnout. All across the country the lines have been long, but the voters appear generally good-spirited while they wait upwards of four or five hours in some places to cast their ballots.

The polls have closed in parts of Indiana and Kentucky. The areas of both states that are in the central time zone of those two states close at 7:00pm. Some numbers have rolled in from both Indiana and Kentucky at the time of this writing. With approximately 1% of precincts reporting, Obama holds a tight lead in Indiana and trails McCain in Kentucky. These numbers mean essentially nothing, however, especially in Indiana where suburban Chicago counties fall in the Central Time zone.

We've been watching CNN's high-definition coverage. Thankfully there's no EKG reading on the bottom of the screen telling me what 30 lunkheads in the Midwest think about the election results. They do, however, have about 65 pundits all crammed together with laptops at several different round tables.

James Carville is one of the most comical men I've ever seen.

The night rolls onward.

The final projections from FiveThirtyEight.com are showing Obama with a landslide victory on the electoral college at 348.6 to McCain's 189.4. They are also projecting Obama's likelihood of an overall win at 98.9%. This is all good news for those of us that suffered the results of the last two general elections.

So far it seems as though the major networks are being very cautious in their use of the "exit poll" data. This is good.

Wolf Blitzer is talking to a holographic lady in the "Election Center." Most of the nation can't seem to figure out how to run voting precincts with any efficiency, and Blitzer's talking to a freakin' hologram.

T-Minus...

I...know that from years of Corporatists and fundamentalists turning the word "liberal" into a code word for gays and hippies and commies you think that blue staters all want to corrupt our country and have people marrying dogs and smoking crack and burning Christmas trees. Here's the real truth we're pretty much just like you. We really, truly are.

-Adam McKay

With the exception of Sarah Palin. Oh...and that cat who dressed up like Lincoln at the RNCC. We're nothing like those crackheads. Seriously.

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It's almost over.

The 2008 presidential election that started in 2006 comes to a conclusion tomorrow when, over the course of 19 hours, Americans from Maine to Hawaii will be casting their votes for United States President as well as scores of other federal, state and local leaders. We'll also be voting on a variety of propositions ranging from gay marriage to stem cell research to the fair treatment of farm animals.

It's a pretty important day.



Brack Obama will be in Chicago, Illinois, John McCain will be in Phoenix, Arizona, Joe Biden will be in Wilmington, Delaware and Sarah Palin will be in Wasilla, Alaska. All will be voting in their home districts. Obama has a rally scheduled at Grant Park in Chicago Tuesday night and John McCain has a scheduled event at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix. McCain has announced, however, that he will not be addressing the crowd in person, but will be making a statement to the press at an undisclosed location outside the Biltmore at some point Tuesday night. Obama has announced that he will speak directly to his supporters in Grant Park.

All national polls show Obama with a sizable lead, all with the exception of one are beyond the margin of error. John McCain will have to turn several states that are leaning hard blue to his side in order to win the general election.

FiveThirtyEight.com has everything you need to know about the national poll numbers.

I'll be liveblogging throughout the night, starting at 7:00pm when the polls close in Virginia, Georgia, parts of New Hampshire and the portion of Florida that is in the eastern time zone. The portions of Indiana and Kentucky that are in the eastern time zone close at 6:00pm, but I don't expect too much information to come out of those states until the polls close statewide at 7:00pm.

Get some sleep tonight, friends. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.