Briefs

"Rod Blagojevich was the first Democrat to be elected governor of Illinois in 30 years, a distinction he proceeded to totally crap all over by continually failing to pass legislation and budgets, making many political enemies (even in his own party), committing federal and state crimes, wearing a ridiculous side-part in some seriously bouffant hair, and, in October 2008, earning the title “America’s Least Popular Governor.” All that before he got arrested."

-Dickipedia

CHICAGO, Ill. - Arguably the biggest blue dick in politics has defied virtually everyone by naming a replacement for Barack Obama in the United States Senate. Illinois governor Rod "Rod" Blagojevich, who was arrested earlier this month for conspiring to sell President-Elect Obama's recently vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder, has named some guy that gave him a lot of money Roland Burris to the job.

After being released on bond, the governor returned to business as usual, refusing to resign his position as governor despite pressure from the entire U.S. Senate, virtually every politician at every level in the state of Illinois, President-Elect Obama himself, and roughly 12,500,000 people who happen to live in Illinois proper, 1.8 million of whom, for some unfathomable reason, voted for this incredible douchebag. Senate majority leader Harry Reid has stated that the Democratic Caucus will not seat anyone who is appointed by Mr. Blagojevich. He reiterated this sentiment in a statement released today shortly after the governor's announcement.

President-Elect Obama who is vacationing in his native Hawaii this week has not commented personally on the appointment as of this writing.

---

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip, Palestinian Territories - Israel and the Hamas led government of the Palestinian National Authority are engaged in a bloody conflict near the border between Israel and the Gaza Strip. In other news, water is wet.

---

PALMER, Alaska - MSNBC is reporting that Bristol Palin, daughter of failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and her baby-daddy have been offered $300,000 for first dibs on pictures of their newborn son, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.

That this is possible has led this editorialist to consider travel to the aforementioned Gaza Strip, stepping into the lobby of a Hamas government building and placing a colorful yarmulka on my head. My guess is that I'll last around 14 seconds before being reunited with my dead relatives - a comforting alternative to a world where Mr. & Mrs. Levi Johnston can earn more than 10 times the annual income of the average American family solely for a set of pictures of their erroneous love-spawn, an oven-bun no one gave a shit about until Bristol's fuckwit mother was named "Number Two" on John McCain's presidential ticket.

Who says underage pre-marital intercourse sans wood-hood isn't a rewarding experience?


Flesh Fedora sez:
"For 300G, leave the package-protector at home!"

Briefs

WASHINGTON D.C. - The people of Michigan would like to send a collective thanks (read: go fuck yourself) to Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who effectively killed the automaker bailout bill this week. It looks like Chapter 11 is looming large over eastern Michigan.

G.M. confirmed that it had legal advisors -- including Harvey R. Miller of the firm Weil Gotshal & Manges -- to consider a possible bankruptcy, which the company until now has said would be cataclysmic not just for G.M. but for Chrysler and Ford as well. The rescue plan approved by the House on Wednesday by a vote of 237 to 170 would have extended $14 billion in loans to the troubled automakers and required them to submit to broad government oversight directed by a car czar to be named by [President] Bush.

It's not that I think that these bailouts are a good thing. I really don't. A bailout with oversight, however, is certainly a better thing than watching a major American industry get buried six feet under. One has to consider that the feds were chomping at the bit to pass a $700 Billion bailout for the corrupt financial institutions of Wall Street in New York not two months ago. Now, as Detroit looks forward to cataclysmic failure, there appears to be nothing our friends in Washington can do for us.

So it goes.

---

MOSCOW, Russian Federation - A Russian entrepreneur, Oleg Teterin, has trademarked the "wink" emoticon with the federal patent agency in Russia.

"I want to highlight that this is only directed at corporations, companies that are trying to make a profit without the permission of the trademark holder," he said in comments to NTV.

Companies will be sent legal warnings if they use the symbol without his permission, he said.

"Legal use will be possible after buying an annual license from us," he was quoted by Kommersant as saying. "It won't cost that much - tens of thousands of dollars."

He also said since other similar emoticons - :-) or ;) or :) - resemble the one he has trademarked, use of those symbols could also fall under his ownership.

Other Russian Internet entrepreneurs reacted to the effort predictably - >:(

"Imagine the next wise-guy who trademarks the 33 letters of the Russian alphabet and then says anyone who uses the Russian alphabet has to send him money. It's absurd," Alexander Manis, the director of a broadband internet and mobile company, told NTV.

Oleg Teterin, proving to the world that Russian businessmen can be just as nauseatingly prickish as any other businessmen.

---

ANDERSON, Calif. - Finger lickin' gross.

Three female KFC employees have been axed by the Colonel for bathing in the sink of the restaurant in Anderson. Predictably, news outlets around the world have had some fun with this. Here are a few of the headlines:

KFC Workers Bathing in Bathtub Get Pink Slip from the Colonel
-The Cleveland Ledger

Finger Lickin' Frolics
-The Daily Telegraph (Sydney, Australia)



Myspace, Panties and Bras = Fired
-The Post Chronicle

Three KFC Employees in Hot Water After Dip in Restaurant's Sink
-Redding Record-Searchlight (Calif.)

Yuk.

---

Finally, there has been more "controversy" surrounding Jennifer Aniston's most recent foray into quasi-nakedness on the cover of this month's GQ magazine.



Several years ago, the same Jennifer Aniston appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine sans vêtements.



(That one actually is pretty hot)

The only people who are concerned about this are media outlets trying to stir up controversy, and people who voted for John McCain. Neither group really matters much in the scheme of things.

Be thankful, though. Readers of a certain age group will recall the following and be relieved that the former doesn't, in any way, resemble John Lennon.



Srsly.